Well, I opened a can of worms. A few months ago, I listed a few of the common spelling mistakes that make us laugh (or groan). Since then, my mailbox runneth over with more. So before the “statue” of limitations runs out (where IS that statue, anyway?) let’s review a few from the Bad Spelling Hall of Fame.
My friend Kimberly Jarrett writes, “I once sent a sales pitch offering to spank someone’s interest.” Be careful what you wish for, Kimberly. It might create a spark.
One letter can make a world of difference, as a church learned when they sent a bulletin inviting “anyone who enjoys sinning to join our choir.” Wonder if they had a big turnout?
Or the wedding invitation that stated, “Darnell and Lola humbly request your presents.” Or maybe that wasn’t misspelled after all. They might need more can openers.
Cara Baker told me about a woman who was angry that her child was punished at school. When the teacher explained that the boy had misbehaved, Mom asked, “Can’t you be more pacific?” Only if we go out west.
Cindy Lowery told me about a Facebook friend who was raring to go one morning. “Up and Adam, everyone!” she wrote. Eve could not be reached for comment.
You can find lots of bargains on the community yard sale pages. I’ve been told you can get a deal on “rod iron” furniture. What hath spell check wrought? You can also get a beautiful reef (wreath), and you don’t even have to dive into the ocean.
If you like shiny shoes, go on Craigslist and you might find “lightly worn Pat and Leather shoes.” I know a lot of folks named Pat, but haven’t yet met Leather.
My friend David Hirt knew a woman who said she was having a problem with her legs. “It’s my very close veins,” she said.
Speaking of pain, I read a man’s comment about having to cut back on sweets, or the doctor said he would get “die of beaties.”
One Facebook friend saw a post from a pregnant lady, asking for advice from those who had experienced natural childbirth as opposed to a “sea sexion.”
A mom kept her child home from school because he had “chicken pops.”
Former teacher Rebecca Page recalls a sign on the highway, advertising “Lawn More Repair.” Because one lawn isn’t enough, I guess.
Lorraine Whitehorn reports on a fast-food place that had a sign directing folks to “Drive Thur.” What about the other six days of the week, do we have to walk?
Teacher Claire Wood, remembers a student who wrote an essay about her favorite memory from elementary school. It was “showing tail.”
There are the sound-alike, look-alike words that many of us have trouble with, like definite and defiant, advice and advise, or idea and ideal. Cemetery and calendar are misspelled constantly. I saw one guy’s response to a Facebook argument, advising his opponent to “settle down, you can breath easy now.”
Misspellings even make sense, now and then. Who wants to go to work when there is a sign warning about a “staff” infection? I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that staff, would you?
Even restaurants fall victim to misspelled words, like the one that listed a chicken flay sandwich on the menu. (Do they also have flay of fish?)
One reader reported seeing a sign in a parking lot: “Illegally parked cars will be fine.” And dandy? That probably replaced a sign which threatened to “toe” your car.
A teacher got an email from a student who was expecting a failing grade. “Just tell me how bad it was. Don’t sugar code it.”
Another teacher tells me about a parent who complained about children spreading germs. “You need to teach those kids about proper high jean!”
After reading about a couple’s 60th wedding anniversary, one Facebook commenter wrote “They should be congratulated for their long jevitty.”
A man posted a photo of himself, dressed up as the famous founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken. “You make a good Colonial Sanders!” a friend wrote. Maybe there was a kernel of truth there.
One Facebook guy was complaining about a politician, but a friend argued, “It’s not his flaut.” Then whose flaut is it?
And when someone writes, “Please bare with me,” I’m tempted to respond, “Where and when?”
But my new favorite may be this one: “Why do so many people like to play Scrabel? It’s a dum game.”
David Carroll, a Chattanooga news anchor, is the author of “Volunteer Bama Dawg,” a collection of his best stories. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405 or firstname.lastname@example.org